I'm having the Argentime of my life!
Boy, I have been a busy stuffed fabric global traveller. I thought I'd share some of my favourite pictures from the past few weeks.
Some people takes pictures of the pretty things they see on their travels, but when you look as damned fine as me, the best you can do is to stand in front of something pretty and smile (you probably can't tell, but I'm smiling in all of my pictures). Anyway, I digress. I visited the headquarters of the CGT in Buenos Aires, where Eva Peron had her office. I was in the main meeting room, where the Perons addressed the trade unions, when I bumped into another mascot, called Louis the Lion. Now, I know Lion mascots ALL have socialist tendencies, so we hit it off straight away. If you're interested, stuffed elephants normally vote Tory, Barbies will normally have extreme fascist views and your run-of-the mill teddy bear will be frightfully liberal. Next up, I roughed it with the locals on the terraces of La Bombonera for a Boca Juniors match. It was great fun and I hit it off with some of the Ultra fans. Although I don't think the joke about me being made from off-cuts from next season's home kit went down well. Finally, I made the LONG trip up to Iguazu Falls to see what was basically a water feature on steroids. It was fun though. I'm planning on sunning myself on the Brazilian beaches with Will and Stacey for a few more days before I sneak into their hand luggage and head to Italy, where I know for a fact that the materials I am made out of will be appreciated. They know a thing or two about fashion, these Italians. |
Salt, ice and more iceRight, apologies to my fans first. I have kept you waiting so for too long. I have been inundated with requests for my latest pictures and update and I appreciated all of your concerns about my safety. Well, I appreciated almost all of your concerns: one unnamed journalist (yes, the media has become interested) called me a 'puppet' the other day on Facebook. Let me set the record straight - I am not a puppet, I'm a mascot. I have only ever had someone's hand up my backside once and that was on a very boozy night out in Amsterdam (I was young, going through that experimental, rebellious stage). Anyway, on to more pressing matters. I got into Argentina late, I got locked up in a Bolivian jail for a couple of weeks - a misunderstanding with the border officials over some washing powder I was carrying for a friend. I say a 'friend', I only spoke to him once in a bar and he said he just really liked having fresh-smelling clothes but he didn't have space in his bag. But I have been busy. First of all, I hitched a ride through the salt flats in Bolivia on the back of a friendly rat and a very, very small rhino. We hit it off at first but then had an almighty fall-out over whether it was right for New Kids on the Block to make that ill-fated comeback. We argued about it for hours, said some silly things and I ended up walking 50km through 6 inches of salt water - thanks guys. I also was impressed by the ice glacier down in Argentina. It's a big ice cube essentially. A big, angry ice cube. If this ice cube were a human, it would go to the gym a lot and would probably enjoy confrontation with strangers. Talking of ice, I was interested to hear the news that Stacey now has 'ice' on her finger. For those who aren't street enough, ice is what those in the rap trade call jewellery - it rhymes better with things like 'nice', 'thrice' and 'Old Spice' - which are also common words in gangsta rap. But Stacey's imitation Kate Middleton ring didn't fit her very well, but wouldn't you know it, it fits me like a DREAM. So it is mine now. I've been encouraging the happy couple to embrace the old-time values of marriage - so Stacey is learning to gut fish and iron, while Will is learning to sit on 'his chair' and get angry easily. Lots of love to you all. |
Per-u's the Daddy???
What is better than going to see Machu Picchu, one of the most amazing archaeological sites in the world??
Well, a £45 million win on Euromillions. But after a £45 milllion win on Euromillions, the next best thing is going to see Machu Picchu, one of the most amazing archaeological sites in the world, TWICE, FOR FREE. Yes, that's right, I grabbed a lift with Stacey, Will and Will's Dad and then when Stacey's parents headed up, I thought: "why the heck not?" and so went again. For many it's a once in a lifetime experience. For me, it was a twice in a fortnight experience. And one of the joys of being able to pass for a pin cushion, is that you very rarely get charged an entrance fee. A guide asked me if I wanted to pay an over-inflated price for his services. I said: "no thank you, I have merely come here to pose in front of the buildings." And that's what I did. At this rate, I'll be able to make a calendar of me looking very handsome in various places around the world. Imagine that? To top off my wonderful Peruvian experience, I came across a market in downtown Cusco, where I haggled with a weathered old local woman, who eventually made me my very own Chullo hat. I think you'll agree that I look Inca-redible in it. |
Oh Mr Sandman...I got bored on the beach the other day. It's hard to work up any kind of deep tan when your skin is cotton and it was too hot to sleep.
So with this in mind, I borrowed a bucket and spade and set about creating a modest sandcastle. But before I knew it, I had only gone a built me a full-scale Inca-style city. Time just seemed to fly by. Anyway, I had my heart set on declaring independence and celebrating with a low-key human sacrifice, when some Spaniards came and kicked it over. History repeating itself I guess. At least I managed to get this picture to remind of my fleeting brush with greatness. |
Fish food? No, piranha pals.
Stacey and Will went piranha fishing in the jungle and weren't having much luck, so they turned to me for help.
I was happy to be lowered into those dangerous, murky waters to grab me a fishy, so on to the hook I went. That said, when I got down there, the piranhas were quite friendly and very hospitable. Who would have thought that such viscous-looking brutes could put on such a fine afternoon tea? I hung out with them for a couple of hours before feeling the need to breathe air. We exchanged numbers and I said to my new piranha friends: "If you want to ever come and stay at my flat in England, you're always welcome." That's just the kind of guy I am. |
King Kong, eat your heart out
King Kong was a pansy. Climbing skyscrapers is so easy, there's much more grip - much more purchase.
My iconic landmark of choice is this lovely monument at the equator in Ecuador. Much more of a technical climb. Take note Kongy, you great big hairy chimp. I could get a great view from the top of the monument, but I was gutted to hear that this wasn't the actual equator, meaning all my efforts were for nothing. I blame the French, they are the ones who got the measurements wrong. Thank you France, I know have chafing on my hands and it's VERY sore. I kept a low profile in Colombia, in case you were wondering. There's a few people in that country that would love to get hold of me. It all has to do with a business deal in Miami back in 1987. A long story, which I don't want to go into. |
Fun in the sun
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At one with the island
You haven't heard from me lately, but there has been good reason. I've had no time for such trivial things as 'the internet' and 'socialising'.
You see, I've been surviving - living from one day to the next with just my wits and my natural hunter's instinct as my weapons. Oh, and a spikey stick I found. You see, while Will and Stacey took the easy route by checking into a luxurious $15 a night hotel in Bocas town, I have opted for the real island life spending my days hunting and my nights wide awake on the lookout for predators. I've been on the island for 11 days now and some may say I have gone native. I no longer respond to 'Rocco', for now I have become 'Howling Scorpion'. The other night, just after I had finished a fun-size Snickers bar (caught myself using a fishing line crafted from the intestines of a seagull), a huge scorpion attacked me. We fought each other for several hours, which made me grateful I had enjoyed such a high calorie snack just moments before. As the fight entered its eighth hour, I spotted my chance and thrust my spear in the scorpion's side. As it died, it let a howl, which to me said: "you have defeated me, I respect you friend, from now on, you shall be called Howling Scorpion". I said "thanks loser" then threw him in the fire. I have included two pictures of me being a survivor by surviving. The first is of me crouching in one of many clever hiding places I have found. I'm ready to kill, but I'm sure you can see that in my eyes. I'm also ready to be polite to anybody if they say "hello" to me or if they need directions. The second picture is of me with a snake that I caught with my stick, my hunter's instinct and my wits (but mostly my stick on this occasion). The snakes here look quite a lot like marshmallows, but don't be fooled; despite their soft and sweet appearance, this breed of snake can kill instantly. They can fly too, you just can't see its wings in this picture. Hopefully you'll see me soon again, provided I don't lose either my hunter's instinct, my stick, my wits or that number for the taxi boat back to Bocas town. |
Bicycle basket beach bum
I'm annoyed today. I can't go anywhere these days with the paparazzi following me grabbing a sneaky picture.
I thought Costa Rica might be a bit of a refuge for me, but it seems even the Latin American gutter press wants my picture on the front page. The other day, I was just hitching a ride with Stacey, a mate of mine, in a bike she rented. We hung out, we went to the beach, I did some surfing - it was a great day. I just didn't see the photographer posing as a sloth in the tree. That said, I think I look really buff in this picture. |
Bean there, done thatI'm a bit of a caffeine addict, so the minute I got to Costa Rica, I had to try out the local beans. Here is me with a "cafe con leche", which means "a cup of coffee for a small stuffed toy". Fact of the day - Costa Rica took its name from Costa Coffee, which is its major sponsor. Later this year Kenya will announce that it will soon be renamed "Starbucksland" That's a fact, that is.
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Plane and simple
Well here I am on my plane. Stacey and Will weren't fans of Condor, but I loved it. I mean, look at all the leg room you get - and I don't even have legs. I'm a massive fan of watery romantic comedies too, so 10 hours of Colin Firth meant I was in HEAVEN.